infinite sonata

I’m really bad at a lot of things. I’m not very good at “street smarts”; my biggest fear for moving out is not knowing how to navigate new places by myself, how to buy enough food, or that I may get lost in my own city. I’m not very good at telling people when I don’t like them anymore or when they have hurt me; I just get aloof and make excuses for why I’m upset. So I guess that makes me bad at being truthful, too. But I really don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, even if I am past my limit with them. I’m bad with men, despite how much I like them. I think it’s because I idealize them. Anyway, I usually end up annoying them to death or saying something off and it doesn’t work out. I’m bad with relaxing; stress is almost my natural state. I don’t take kindly when people tell me how bad it is, because I’m fully aware of it. But somehow, it’s not complete if I’m not stressing.

But at the same time, I’m good at a lot things. I’m good at remembering, I’m good at language, I’m good at communication, I’m good at writing, I’m good at listening, I’m decent at advice. I feel like every one of us is mixtures of both “being good at things” and “being bad at things”.

I’d like to work on the things I’m bad at, but I feel like I don’t have enough courage. I would like to go at life trying my best, but I feel like it’s impossible.

I have a ton of words I would like to write, but I feel like it’s useless if no one reads them and I can’t write about them because I don’t want to hurt or offend other people. As Prince Shoutoku wrote in his 17 Articles, harmony is best, right?

…Right?

So this is just my thoughts for today, so feel free to ignore.

1.) I hate it when people say that they’re not good enough for someone else. I mean, yeah, I’ve done things that probably make me worse than others, but in the end we’re all human. I like to believe that my choices made me better instead of worse, therefore I’m not inferior to anyone. Especially the guys I like…because they’re just human too and not gods.

2.) Wow, I really like him. And I haven’t liked anyone like this…in like a year. Even then, it was completely different than this like. He’s just so…funny and wonderful at the same time.

3.) I really hate being unsure of myself…Self-confidence is something I’ve always prided myself in and now…I have none. At least, not at the moment.

4.) I have the greatest friends in the world and I’m so glad that I made sure to value them above certain things.

5.) I realized that there’s not really any problems - only solutions. And if there’s not a solution, you need to think of one.

I’ve come to conclusion that today was a pretty good day and I learned some important things…even if some lessons are hard.